And You Call Yourself a Fag?

No, really ... This is criticism that I have frequently had to address during my life, and recently received from a YouTube friend (although I think he was kind of joking ... I hope so, anyway). Okay. I am not your stereotypical male homosexual (if such a thing exists), and probably not the GAY IDEAL (whatever the fuck that is), but I am as gay as any of the rest of you ass-fucking butt-pirates, and there are more than a few guys out there who can attest to that, although I might not acknowledge all of their accolades. Okay, maybe some of them don't want mine, either: I'm man enough to admit that. But I still have my lavender card (although it may be a bit frayed around the edges, as am I).

I was a gay/jock/geek. I guess I still am one. I played football (both kinds) and swam and played tennis, in high school and at university. At the same time, I was a total science nerd, one of the very first of all of my peers to own a computer (I built my first one, from a kit) and I put together my high school's first laser. I collected comic books, played chess and devoured anything ScFi: books, movies, television shows. I was the only kid I knew who had a collection of Dr. Who on Super-8. The problem was, that the geeks never really trusted me, because I was a jock, and the jocks never trusted me, because I was a geek. Add to that the problem that Carl had a little secret that he didn't really feel like sharing with any of his peers, not in the early '70s ... well, I rather liked other boys, and not the way they liked me ... more like they liked girls.

Okay. I'm also rather eccentric. I think I would have been eccentric anyway, even if I had been born straight. I am well known for my rather erratic (sometimes) behaviour, my tendency to bring totally off-the-wall trivia into any conversation, and my rather voluminous, albeit sometimes pedantic, paedogougery. See, I use big words, too. This sometimes upsets people whose basic conversation revolves around what to wear, what's cool to dance to and who's fucking who this week. Sorry, but some fags are shallow, and, damn it, I'm not going to pretend to be just to fit in!

Oh, yeah: and I'm a bike fanatic. That's weird enough (unless you're a tree-hugger, which I am, too), but not quite considered as gay chic. I ride a bicycle every where I go. I do it because I love it. I have had cars and will probably have more motor vehicles in the future, but I am happy on two wheels, under my own power. It makes me feel alive in a way that riding around in a wheeled box doesn't. It also keeps me fit: still have a hot butt, really.

In my defense, I am listening to Pet Shop Boys as I am writing this post. Yeah, I wear jeans and t-shirts and cargoes everywhere, but I have an huge collection of really hot underwear that no straight boy would dare wear (unless he were European). And I love boys: always have, since I was one. One of my first crushes was Billy Mumy, the cute freckle-faced redhead on Lost in Space (a sixties SciFi show). He and I are the same age. When I was 11, I thought he was the cutest boy in the universe, and, watching old episodes of the show on Hulu, as I do a lot these days (having no cable), I remember exactly why. Of course, he is straight, married, with kids, but I still feel a bond with him, even though we never met. I knew I could never talk to other boys my age about what I was feeling then, but I could always imagine that I could tell him. I wonder what he would think if he read this. Well, I'm still a fan.

Oh, yeah: I write. Used to write poetry (gay?). Mostly fiction now. Of course, most writers are straight (I guess). I like art and stuff. I love to cook, and one of the best things about not being homeless anymore is that I get to cook at home. I love the word home. I say it like ET did: hoooome. I made black bean soup last night, with a Caesar salad and garlic bread. I guess straight guys could do that, too, but most of them don't.

Oh, yeah. Used to belong to Act Up (if anyone remembers that far back), did demonstrations and stuff. Hung out in drag bars, leather bars, dance bars, behind bars, too, if you count my 10 years or so of service as a bartender, mostly in gay clubs. Okay, I was a police officer for awhile, but wasn't there one in that fag dance band ... what was their name? And I am DEFINITELY NOT a uniform queen, thank you.

So, make up your own minds. What kind of a fag am I? Because I'm definitely queer, even if I don't fit in like some of you guys do, and I wouldn't have it any other way (because I've probably done that).