News From the Front (and Back)

I awakened this morning, as most mornings, to a respiratory symphony. Apparently, snoring has become a major problem in this country, whilst I slept. I, myself, have even been accused of snoring, although I have never heard myself doing it. I DO hear a lot of others doing it, particularly at Camp Winge-a-Lot. I never realised before how many varieties there are to nocturnal melody.

Some guys just buzz. Some buzzes are continuous with inhaling and exhaling, whilst others are more of a staccato or sequential series of mini-snores. There is one fellow whose stacatto buzz sounds something like: AHZZZ-AHHZZ-AHHZZ. Then, there are are the whistlers. One whistler sounds like: TWOOO-TWOOO-TWOOO. There are at least two groaners, who sound like this: AARRUUN-AARRUUN-AARRUUN; and two grunters: UNKH-UNKH-UNKH. There are also two snorters (thank God, the loudest one is in the other half of the dorm, which is seperated from me by a cinderblock wall), which sound like this: AWWRUCCH-AWWRUCCH. Cracks in the cinderblock are becoming alarmingly apparent.

Of course, mere onomatopoeia cannot really do these sounds justice. One night this week, I shall attempt to record some of these sounds on my mobile and (if I can ever figure out how to transfer these files using a public computer) post them on this blog, to the greater edification of my numerous (and apparently invisible) readership. Suffice it to say that the buzzers sound a lot like fire alarms, the whistlers like a chorus of demented whippoorwills, the groaners like diesel marine engines turning high revolutions, the grunters like grizzly bears in heat (I have never heard a grizzly bear in heat, but this is what I suppose it sounds like) and the worst, the snorters, like a garbage disposal of gargantuan size attempting to process a Blue Whale full of bottlecaps.

Put together, it sounds somewhat like this: TWOO-TWOO! AHZZZZZ! AARRUUNN!UNKH-UNKH! AWWRUCCH-AWWRUCCH! Of course, there is no real sequence or order to these different sounds (or, at least, I have not discerned one), and they occur at various volume levels. This also does not include the two babblers, who are not, per se, snorers, but who also contribute to the nighly cacaphony. One of them mumbles and shouts incoherently. The other one holds conversations in his sleep, mostly with a doctor, his mother, and someone named "Jake" or "Mike" (it's hard to make out, with all the noise).

When I first started living at Camp Winge-a-Lot, I had a pair of foam earplugs, which reduced the noise to a dull roar, but some pigfucker stole them from my nightstand. I hope he gets hearing AIDS! At any rate, it doesn't seem to keep me up much any more, except occasionally, when several of the effects combine simultaneously to produce earth tremors. I am of the opinion (so far unfounded) that something like this could have happened in Haiti. If this is true, South Louisiana could be next.

I hope I make it out of here before the Big One hits.